Best friend talking to ex girlfriend, am I wrong here

[yelruP]

Thought I’d get advice here since everyone irl agrees with me but it may just be a kind of “bro code” where I’m from

I dated a girl for almost 3 years. Broke up, etc. wasn’t a horrible breakup but not great either. Find out my best friend has been talking to her and they have “feelings” for each other. This guy was supposed to be the best man at my wedding. I honestly wouldn’t have cared if he asked me but I personally would never talk to a friends ex girlfriend no matter what. Am I wrong here? I pretty much told him I’m gonna have someone else be my best man (which is hard, my brother who would’ve filled that just died last week) but I’ll make something work. I’m pretty pissed because I know I have had his exes hit me up and I’ve always told him and blocked them.

 

[13hourstililand]

That is a complete bro code violation, you’re not wrong here man. Doesn’t sound like a true bro to me.

 

[blvck.scvle]

Depends on how much time has passed and how close the friend is. If it’s been some time I would be pissed but wouldn’t lose a best friend over some girl it didn’t work out with. I’d def give him shit about “sloppy seconds” for fucking ever though.

 

[superawesomename]

tbh I think acting out about it is a bit childish, but the emotions you have aren’t misguided and I totally think it warrants rethinking best man status. I think you’re absolutely in the green to be pissed about it, it’s kind of a shitty situation, but on the other hand you really can’t help who you love and at least it wasn’t them cheating on you with each other. So if it were me I’d let it be known I was pissed, but I’d honestly be more pissed that he felt either my opinion mattered so little that he didn’t need to ask me, or that he felt so bad about the decision he made he couldn’t talk to me about it. Regardless I don’t really think you’re in the green to be mad they have feelings for each other, I mean you’re getting married so you left that behind a bit ago imo. I’d definitely sit him down and be like bro, if you can’t even come to me about something like this why would I still think you should be my literal best man?

Again I think the feelings you have are reasonable but I’d just be careful not to burn that bridge, because he is your friend and people do make shitty decisions under pressure. Who know’s what kind of mental corner he backed himself into to feel the need not to talk to you about it.

 

[yelruP]

superawesomename" pid='58378' dateline='1561298411:

tbh I think acting out about it is a bit childish, but the emotions you have aren’t misguided and I totally think it warrants rethinking best man status. I think you’re absolutely in the green to be pissed about it, it’s kind of a shitty situation, but on the other hand you really can’t help who you love and at least it wasn’t them cheating on you with each other. So if it were me I’d let it be known I was pissed, but I’d honestly be more pissed that he felt either my opinion mattered so little that he didn’t need to ask me, or that he felt so bad about the decision he made he couldn’t talk to me about it. Regardless I don’t really think you’re in the green to be mad they have feelings for each other, I mean you’re getting married so you left that behind a bit ago imo. I’d definitely sit him down and be like bro, if you can’t even come to me about something like this why would I still think you should be my literal best man?

Again I think the feelings you have are reasonable but I’d just be careful not to burn that bridge, because he is your friend and people do make shitty decisions under pressure. Who know’s what kind of mental corner he backed himself into to feel the need not to talk to you about it.

Yeah I agree with this I am just mad as fuck he would do this behind my back. Like I said his exes would hit me up all the time and he’d get mad about it (not at me) so I figured he’d give me the same respect. We’ve literally always told each other we’d never fucked around with each others exes. The worst part is when we broke up he blocked her on fb so must’ve readded her just to hit her up. Pretty shitty move imo. Like I said if he asked me first I probably would’ve been pissed but I would have told him it’s fine. I just don’t respect people doing things behind my back and I never have

 

[superawesomename]

@“yelruP” okay bro so now I feel a little differently, for sure fuck him. That’s so many extra steps of ‘fuck you’ then just ‘oh we got real close after you guys broke up’ or some shit. That shows a deeper disrespect for your friendship (or lackthereof) imo. I’m huge about communication dude, I feel like real life is too complicated and shit isn’t ever black and white so I feel like if they had actually been a bro, they would have at the very least came to talk to you about it and addressed some shit like ‘oh I know we said we’d never do this but…’ so that just seems like an extra tier of shitty to me.

 

[19VENOM19]

You are in a lose/lose situation brother. I’d love to say turn the other cheek and save your bromance and what not but the truth is he violated your friendship in a way you can’t bounce back from. And it’s not even your fault which sucks even more for you. The violation is way more than just playing hide the sausage with your ex, no excuse for him not to come to you from get go and tell you about it at whatever phase or level it started at. And honestly even if he did, I had a friend that I grew up with, asked me if he could start trying to date an ex of mine that I really didn’t care for and they ended up married. Haven’t spoken to him since the day he asked and I said yes go for it. Why? I don’t know. Shit like that only works out in the movies. Get to a place where YOU are at peace with it and move on my dude. My condolences for your loss and prayers that you find peace.

Sender fi

 

[yelruP]

superawesomename" pid='58381' dateline='1561299087:

@“yelruP” okay bro so now I feel a little differently, for sure fuck him. That’s so many extra steps of ‘fuck you’ then just ‘oh we got real close after you guys broke up’ or some shit. That shows a deeper disrespect for your friendship (or lackthereof) imo. I’m huge about communication dude, I feel like real life is too complicated and shit isn’t ever black and white so I feel like if they had actually been a bro, they would have at the very least came to talk to you about it and addressed some shit like ‘oh I know we said we’d never do this but…’ so that just seems like an extra tier of shitty to me.

19VENOM19" pid='58385' dateline='1561301713:

You are in a lose/lose situation brother. I’d love to say turn the other cheek and save your bromance and what not but the truth is he violated your friendship in a way you can’t bounce back from. And it’s not even your fault which sucks even more for you. The violation is way more than just playing hide the sausage with your ex, no excuse for him not to come to you from get go and tell you about it at whatever phase or level it started at. And honestly even if he did, I had a friend that I grew up with, asked me if he could start trying to date an ex of mine that I really didn’t care for and they ended up married. Haven’t spoken to him since the day he asked and I said yes go for it. Why? I don’t know. Shit like that only works out in the movies. Get to a place where YOU are at peace with it and move on my dude. My condolences for your loss and prayers that you find peace.

Sender fi

Thanks you both, I talked to him just now and he apologized and said he knew he was in the wrong but I’m still pretty mad. He sent me the texts (she prob still had his number from when we were dating) and she hit him up first but I still don’t see why he’d respond. Gonna give it some time because we’ve been close for a while but I still feel betrayed. Honestly I think she’s doing this to get me mad because she just found out I’m getting married. I’m not even mad at her though I don’t give a shit about her anymore. But it doesn’t take any blame off him imo

 

[superawesomename]

@“yelruP” yeah man I think it turned out well, and I’m with you idk why he’d respond, probably thinking of an easy lay tbh. It’s good though that he came to you and apologized, it at least shows he cares about your friendship. Like I said man people make stupid decisions, and I’m definitely guilty of thinking with my dick unfortunately. I’m not the kind of person to forgive easily, but I think if you can then at least you guys are off on the right foot bro.

 

[nlite2k]

He should have checked with you. If it ends up a thing where they legit love each other, and want to be together, then it’ll be up to you to forgive.

This kind of shit is never easy.

 

[goodstufftakestime]

What are the chances that they would be talking if you hadn’t dated her? I’m guessing that’s part of it (she’s doing it to fuck with you; he’s doing it because he always had some weird fantasy with your ex).

What really matters is if you care? If you do (and obviously you do or you wouldn’t be asking), then ask why do you care?

Is it because he violated your notion of trust based on how you treated his exes? Is it because you still have some sort of feelings for this ex? If it’s the former, you should just confront him and ask him why he didn’t just tell you up front before things got complicated. Don’t rage to him right off the bat, but ask him why he’s doing it and why he didn’t come to you if you guys really had the trust level you think you do. Honestly, most people just hate confrontation and will do anything possible to avoid it. My guess is that he was trying to avoid it, even if it made things worse.

However, if you’re upset because you still have feelings for her, then that’s a huge bag of worms you need to work out with your soon to be wife, best friend and your ex.

If you don’t settle this now, it’s just going to get uglier for everyone later. Best not to leave loose ends on the table before you get married.

 

[mcjooce]

nlite2k" pid='58404' dateline='1561313454:

He should have checked with you. If it ends up a thing where they legit love each other, and want to be together, then it’ll be up to you to forgive.

This kind of shit is never easy.

I 100% agree. You seem like a really chill, balanced dude OP, so I’d try to sit on it for a few more days and see if you’re still angry. If not, try to have an honest conversation with the friend to try to salvage the relationship. If so, well, then fuck ‘em.

 

[yelruP]

goodstufftakestime" pid='58405' dateline='1561313573:

What are the chances that they would be talking if you hadn’t dated her? I’m guessing that’s part of it (she’s doing it to fuck with you; he’s doing it because he always had some weird fantasy with your ex).

What really matters is if you care? If you do (and obviously you do or you wouldn’t be asking), then ask why do you care?

Is it because he violated your notion of trust based on how you treated his exes? Is it because you still have some sort of feelings for this ex? If it’s the former, you should just confront him and ask him why he didn’t just tell you up front before things got complicated. Don’t rage to him right off the bat, but ask him why he’s doing it and why he didn’t come to you if you guys really had the trust level you think you do. Honestly, most people just hate confrontation and will do anything possible to avoid it. My guess is that he was trying to avoid it, even if it made things worse.

However, if you’re upset because you still have feelings for her, then that’s a huge bag of worms you need to work out with your soon to be wife, best friend and your ex.

If you don’t settle this now, it’s just going to get uglier for everyone later. Best not to leave loose ends on the table before you get married.

They would’ve never met. She is in school in a neighboring state and we met at a concert a while back. Like I said before if he had came up to me when she texted him and told me what was going on I wouldn’t be as mad, but I’m just confused as to why out of every girl in the world he has to pursue things with her. I literally have no feelings for her and haven’t in a while I just feel violated because he always expected the opposite of me and I always did that for him. We talked earlier and he told me he’s done talking to her and I know if the opposite happens I’ll find out. I’m still in contact with people who would know. I guess we’ll see how I feel in a few days. I’ve just been in a bad place mentally after my brother died (not even a week ago) and then this.
mcjooce" pid='58407' dateline='1561314400:

nlite2k" pid='58404' dateline='1561313454:

He should have checked with you. If it ends up a thing where they legit love each other, and want to be together, then it’ll be up to you to forgive.

This kind of shit is never easy.

I 100% agree. You seem like a really chill, balanced dude OP, so I’d try to sit on it for a few more days and see if you’re still angry. If not, try to have an honest conversation with the friend to try to salvage the relationship. If so, well, then fuck ‘em.

I pretty much told him I need to chill out for a few days even though he told me he’s not gonna pursue it, but I’m sure it’s only cause I found out. Had I not who knows what would’ve happened. We talked earlier and he apologized but fuck man I just feel like I wouldn’t have done that even if I was in love with his ex. I’ve always wrote his exes off even if I see them in public. I feel like he’s stupid enough to buy into it being about her actually liking him and not her trying to piss me off/sever our relationship with my wedding coming so soon. I even talked to my fiancé and she agreed it was fucked up because he’s talked so much shit about my ex to her.

I’ll update in a few days when I have a clear head though. I love all the input it makes things a lot easier. Thanks dudes

 

[DNPstoney]

yelruP" pid='58372' dateline='1561296379:

I honestly wouldn’t have cared if he asked me but I personally would never talk to a friends ex girlfriend no matter what.

That’s it man. He didn’t ask.

I don’t think he values the friendship as much as you value it. He is totally willing to throw away being best friends with you to be with your ex.

Don’t look at this in a “bro code, he fucked my ex” kind way. Look at this as “the guy I wanted to be my best friend was going behind my back and doing something he thought I wouldn’t be okay with”.

I mean, you know the extent he was hiding this from you, which I think is the main issue. I understand things being awkward with an ex (especially on Tren lol) but the main issue is the breach of trust.

If he thought you would be okay with it, he would have asked you, or at least told you outright that he was going to pursue her. But instead, he his it from you, meaning he thought it would upset you and decided he didn’t want to deal with that.

 

[yelruP]

DNPstoney" pid='58417' dateline='1561317765:

yelruP" pid='58372' dateline='1561296379:

I honestly wouldn’t have cared if he asked me but I personally would never talk to a friends ex girlfriend no matter what.

That’s it man. He didn’t ask.

I don’t think he values the friendship as much as you value it. He is totally willing to throw away being best friends with you to be with your ex.

Don’t look at this in a “bro code, he fucked my ex” kind way. Look at this as “the guy I wanted to be my best friend was going behind my back and doing something he thought I wouldn’t be okay with”.

I mean, you know the extent he was hiding this from you, which I think is the main issue. I understand things being awkward with an ex (especially on Tren lol) but the main issue is the breach of trust.

If he thought you would be okay with it, he would have asked you, or at least told you outright that he was going to pursue her. But instead, he his it from you, meaning he thought it would upset you and decided he didn’t want to deal with that.

This post is how I feel 100%. I’m just conflicted on what to do. On one hand I know people make mistakes but I feel like this is more than that. Gonna sit on it for a few days and see where I stand. Thanks man, appreciate the post.

 

[emez]

He should have checked with you first. It’s a trust violation. And if you can’t trust him he’s not a close friend. So I’d cut your losses. At least you know now though and not when you really needed him to have your back.

 

[thallandchill]

emez" pid='58458' dateline='1561338402:

He should have checked with you first. It’s a trust violation. And if you can’t trust him he’s not a close friend. So I’d cut your losses. At least you know now though and not when you really needed him to have your back.

This a million fuckin’ times.

 

[Allstar1233]

Both of them are in the wrong but him more so. You just dont do that to someone you call friend. He can have your leftovers but cut both out of your life.

 

[Breeze]

Just like what has already been said, this is definitely not a black and white situation. Yes, it’s all about an ex and you have moved on, so the real question is how do you feel about you and your buddy’s friendship moving forward with the life and woman you have now. Ask yourself if you’ll feel like he’d ever try to make a move on your current woman, or better yet, if she tried to make a move on him would he reciprocate it or would he shoot her down and let you know. If you’re about to be married then your focus should be on how the relationships you have will affect one of the most important ones you’ll soon have…yours and your wifes.

 

[Jonnyskidmark]

I can’t see pictures of X ,something missing…